Handsome. Intelligent. Sensitive. Loving.
Caring. Precocious. Family.
Loved.
He'll Be Missed.
Caring. Precocious. Family.
Loved.
He'll Be Missed.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Sunday, November 06, 2005
What's up with Me??
What's up with me???!! I spend 23 years in a marriage; much longer than I should have because I didn't have the courage or confidence or something to leave. Now, I'm in a 2 year relationship that is satisfying on many levels, but still leaves me wanting more; yet, I stay. Why?
Someone is better than no one? What is it I want? Intimacy. Not just the sex kind, but real person to person intimacy. A relationship of sharing, learning, communicating honestly, building a life together. What I have is a relationship of learning, sharing many things, seeing each other only on weekends, living separate lives, separate homes, separate journeys with just docking points at the end of the week and phone calls in between. Phone calls with lots of words and little emotion.
Not what I was counting on. Perhaps I'm just needy, requiring too much of another person. But damn it, I deserve more than I'm getting. I deserve someone who loves me back, who doesn't mind showing love and making me feel warm and secure. I deserve someone who wants to be with me and much as I want to be with them. Yet, I'm too much a wimp to say 'no more', I want what I want. Chances are I'd be without at all and I refuse to be with my single women friends all the time; where they've ended up I don't want to be either!
Why can't I have things the way I want them? Am I dreaming of the ideal that just won't happen? Am I being self-destructive by choosing men that just wont' work? I get so close; men who are so close to my ideal, but no cigar so-to-speak. As much as I enjoy alone-time, I love being with someone who loves me and that I love. Seems so simple.
So, here I am, sitting here alone (not by my choice) for this weekend. I contemplate moving on in search of the ideal. I don't move on because I love the fool for what he does offer up. I don't move on because I'd be only more alone. I don't move on because I do think he loves me, just not as much as he should and could. I don't move on and that makes me feel bad about myself, because I don't make choices that are good for me.
Suggestions?
Someone is better than no one? What is it I want? Intimacy. Not just the sex kind, but real person to person intimacy. A relationship of sharing, learning, communicating honestly, building a life together. What I have is a relationship of learning, sharing many things, seeing each other only on weekends, living separate lives, separate homes, separate journeys with just docking points at the end of the week and phone calls in between. Phone calls with lots of words and little emotion.
Not what I was counting on. Perhaps I'm just needy, requiring too much of another person. But damn it, I deserve more than I'm getting. I deserve someone who loves me back, who doesn't mind showing love and making me feel warm and secure. I deserve someone who wants to be with me and much as I want to be with them. Yet, I'm too much a wimp to say 'no more', I want what I want. Chances are I'd be without at all and I refuse to be with my single women friends all the time; where they've ended up I don't want to be either!
Why can't I have things the way I want them? Am I dreaming of the ideal that just won't happen? Am I being self-destructive by choosing men that just wont' work? I get so close; men who are so close to my ideal, but no cigar so-to-speak. As much as I enjoy alone-time, I love being with someone who loves me and that I love. Seems so simple.
So, here I am, sitting here alone (not by my choice) for this weekend. I contemplate moving on in search of the ideal. I don't move on because I love the fool for what he does offer up. I don't move on because I'd be only more alone. I don't move on because I do think he loves me, just not as much as he should and could. I don't move on and that makes me feel bad about myself, because I don't make choices that are good for me.
Suggestions?
Friday, September 09, 2005
Refurbished Exterior!
Sunday, August 28, 2005
My New Floor!
When I bought my home 3 years ago, the living room had orange and gold shag carpeting! Some ask me why I bought the thing, but we connected....what can I say. A few months ago though, the carpet or I had to go. DPK and I ripped up the carpet leaving the subflooring; particle board to be exact. As I was unsure of when I'd have the cash to move forward with flooring, we painted the subfloor black. In our minds, it made the floor more attractive. You can see for yourself below.
This weekend, new flooring arrived! This picture shows progress.
And here's the finished product!! It's so beautiful!
The floor's only natural predator??? Duncan, my old slightly incontinent Westie!
This weekend, new flooring arrived! This picture shows progress.
And here's the finished product!! It's so beautiful!
The floor's only natural predator??? Duncan, my old slightly incontinent Westie!
Saturday, August 06, 2005
Movies: Favorites through the Years
Childhood (1960s):
- Bambi: Thumper, Flower, Wise Owl...they all touched me!
- Gone with the Wind: although very young, the scene where Scarlett pulls the carrot out of the wartorn hill has stuck with me
- 2001: Space Odyssey: visually amazing and Hal changes your perspective on things
- To Kill a Mockingbird: first film I think I'd seen where good men win, justice is done, the ideal is attainable!
- Wizard of Oz: still a favorite today!
- Jesus Christ Superstar
- The Godfather
- One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
- Taxi Driver
- Patton
- Annie Hall
- Close Encounters of the Third Kind
- Star Wars
- The Sting
- Apocalypse Now
- Tootsie
- Amadeus
- Raiders of the Lost Ark
- A Christmas Carol (w/George C. Scott)
- ET
- Jerry Maguire
- Forrest Gump
- Babe
- Shawshank Redemption
- Princess Bride
- Shrek
- Spiderman 2
- Almost Famous
- Lord of the Ring Trilogy
- Memento
- Rear Window
- Vertigo
- Citizen Kane
- Seven Samurai
- Lawrence of Arabia
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
"The world let its guard down after 9/11"...HUH??!!
I'm enraged. Did you happen to see the cnn.com article "Blair: World slept after 9/11"?
WE, the WORLD, slept!!!???? How dare he! Who was it that diverted attention, money, military resources, etc to IRAQ? It for damned sure wasn't "the world".
Our leaders may have gone to sleep on terrorism, but the world did not.
WE, the WORLD, slept!!!???? How dare he! Who was it that diverted attention, money, military resources, etc to IRAQ? It for damned sure wasn't "the world".
Our leaders may have gone to sleep on terrorism, but the world did not.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Soccer
A polling question on cnn.com today was, in essence, should professional soccer players get multi-million dollar contracts. This was, no doubt, in response to the news regarding David Beckham's riches in Europe. Per the article, he earns 8.26 million yearly salary; with endorsements 37.4 million. My vote was a resounding YES!
I was a real soccer mom not too long ago and fell in love with game. The men & women who partipate in this game at the professional level are the top of the athletic heap. The conditioning and training they must endure just to stay in the game! And then to finesse the ball around the field as if there was an invisible wire between the ball and teammates' feet sometimes. A well-played game can be so beautiful to witness. SO....are they worth the same amount of money that:
You bet soccer players can and are worth that much money!!
Of course, that assumes that any athlete or entertainer, for that matter, is worth that amount of money. I think not. But if society thinks otherwise, then by god, soccer players deserve to be up there with the highest earners!
I was a real soccer mom not too long ago and fell in love with game. The men & women who partipate in this game at the professional level are the top of the athletic heap. The conditioning and training they must endure just to stay in the game! And then to finesse the ball around the field as if there was an invisible wire between the ball and teammates' feet sometimes. A well-played game can be so beautiful to witness. SO....are they worth the same amount of money that:
- football (american) players - play, sit, play, sit for 4 hours; lots of strategy, lots of braun, little action
- baseball players - no explanation needed; talent yes; exertion, I don't think so
- basketball players - close in terms of finesse at college level, less in pro
- hockey players - finesse again, but dynamic substitutions, smaller area, too much fighting. They have meaningful fouls/rules in soccer to protect players; please try it!
You bet soccer players can and are worth that much money!!
Of course, that assumes that any athlete or entertainer, for that matter, is worth that amount of money. I think not. But if society thinks otherwise, then by god, soccer players deserve to be up there with the highest earners!
Monday, April 18, 2005
Pushing From the Nest
Lately, I've been concentrating on, at least in part, staying out of my sons' lives! While living with me into their late teens/early twenties, they accomplished little; Partying, sleeping, a little work, partying, sleeping, spend some money, etc. Although 'tough love' had been attempted many times, their father and I had not yet fully stuck to our guns. Finally the opportunity came and out they went! Got an apartment together, both found jobs; however, neither had transportation other than bike and feet, no savings and no real idea about the 'world'. No problem, though. They understood that the door/phone was open to any questions, advice, listening that was needed.
A few weeks have passed. All the walking/biking to work, working late, sleeping, curtailed social life, budgeting are starting to sink in now. Tonight I took them out for pizza! The older and more emotionally fragile of the two was so down, seemed to have lost hope. Boy, that temptation to delve into his drame, his life, was so strong. But, I'm getting pretty good at this. I tell myself, if you take care of things, he'll never learn, never gain that confidence. I also remind myself of the years he's fought depression and that he has been suicidal on several occasions. But the rational side won once again!
I take comfort in that I do know they both know I'm there for them when all else is gone. I'm proud of them for making this brave run at independence. I'm very frightened.
A few weeks have passed. All the walking/biking to work, working late, sleeping, curtailed social life, budgeting are starting to sink in now. Tonight I took them out for pizza! The older and more emotionally fragile of the two was so down, seemed to have lost hope. Boy, that temptation to delve into his drame, his life, was so strong. But, I'm getting pretty good at this. I tell myself, if you take care of things, he'll never learn, never gain that confidence. I also remind myself of the years he's fought depression and that he has been suicidal on several occasions. But the rational side won once again!
I take comfort in that I do know they both know I'm there for them when all else is gone. I'm proud of them for making this brave run at independence. I'm very frightened.
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Life Changes
I wrote this in May of 2002. Lots of life changes going on at the time and pretty depressed. In doing so, i began pushing myself in a more positive direction.
I am loved. No matter how deeply I hurt or how isolated I feel, I truly do always know that I am loved. What a glorious thing to be able to say! Especially given that my heart is pounding, my eyes yearn to spill tears yet again, I feel a slight tremor all over. I am so...so lost. Kind of like there's an invisible film between you and everybody else, especially those that love you. Envision a clear sphere floating in a blue sky with me inside. All around are those that love me, friends and coworkers who respect me, but I can't really hear them; I just sit in the sphere, womb perhaps, observing life, people.
So just what is this wall made of? Why was it put there? How do I get the walls of the sphere to disintegrate? I am so sure that, like a hatching bird, with one break in the walls' integrity I could be unstoppable with time. But for now, I believe the sphere is winning the battle. I can't break any habits to crack just a smidgen in the damn thing. Why? What's the deal?
And so on we go....
I am loved. No matter how deeply I hurt or how isolated I feel, I truly do always know that I am loved. What a glorious thing to be able to say! Especially given that my heart is pounding, my eyes yearn to spill tears yet again, I feel a slight tremor all over. I am so...so lost. Kind of like there's an invisible film between you and everybody else, especially those that love you. Envision a clear sphere floating in a blue sky with me inside. All around are those that love me, friends and coworkers who respect me, but I can't really hear them; I just sit in the sphere, womb perhaps, observing life, people.
So just what is this wall made of? Why was it put there? How do I get the walls of the sphere to disintegrate? I am so sure that, like a hatching bird, with one break in the walls' integrity I could be unstoppable with time. But for now, I believe the sphere is winning the battle. I can't break any habits to crack just a smidgen in the damn thing. Why? What's the deal?
And so on we go....
Monday, April 04, 2005
Government & the Individual
Why can’t the government run the way I envision? With true leadership. Doing what’s right, not what is going to enable reelection or proper status. Large money-laden lobbying groups, PACs, religious organizations, etc. certainly get their desires on the desks of our elected officials. Why can't I? Or, why can't we who are likely the majority, but are not being heard over the yelps of special interests.
Don't misunderstand. I live on the left side of the political/social/economic continuum. But it just seems that few have the "greater good" of the whole in mind. I believe that if every eligible voter would relish the responsibility and the opportunity to vote, our one easy way to express ourselves to the government, so much would be different. But, alas, many of us waste that opportunity saying "my vote will not matter".
I suggest we all give it a try. 100% voter turnout next election and let's just see what happens! Each individual voter exhibiting true community values, doing what’s right, not what is best for one.
Don't misunderstand. I live on the left side of the political/social/economic continuum. But it just seems that few have the "greater good" of the whole in mind. I believe that if every eligible voter would relish the responsibility and the opportunity to vote, our one easy way to express ourselves to the government, so much would be different. But, alas, many of us waste that opportunity saying "my vote will not matter".
I suggest we all give it a try. 100% voter turnout next election and let's just see what happens! Each individual voter exhibiting true community values, doing what’s right, not what is best for one.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)