Life Changes

I wrote this in May of 2002. Lots of life changes going on at the time and pretty depressed. In doing so, i began pushing myself in a more positive direction.

I am loved. No matter how deeply I hurt or how isolated I feel, I truly do always know that I am loved. What a glorious thing to be able to say! Especially given that my heart is pounding, my eyes yearn to spill tears yet again, I feel a slight tremor all over. I am so...so lost. Kind of like there's an invisible film between you and everybody else, especially those that love you. Envision a clear sphere floating in a blue sky with me inside. All around are those that love me, friends and coworkers who respect me, but I can't really hear them; I just sit in the sphere, womb perhaps, observing life, people.

So just what is this wall made of? Why was it put there? How do I get the walls of the sphere to disintegrate? I am so sure that, like a hatching bird, with one break in the walls' integrity I could be unstoppable with time. But for now, I believe the sphere is winning the battle. I can't break any habits to crack just a smidgen in the damn thing. Why? What's the deal?

And so on we go....