What's up with Me??

What's up with me???!! I spend 23 years in a marriage; much longer than I should have because I didn't have the courage or confidence or something to leave. Now, I'm in a 2 year relationship that is satisfying on many levels, but still leaves me wanting more; yet, I stay. Why?

Someone is better than no one? What is it I want? Intimacy. Not just the sex kind, but real person to person intimacy. A relationship of sharing, learning, communicating honestly, building a life together. What I have is a relationship of learning, sharing many things, seeing each other only on weekends, living separate lives, separate homes, separate journeys with just docking points at the end of the week and phone calls in between. Phone calls with lots of words and little emotion.

Not what I was counting on. Perhaps I'm just needy, requiring too much of another person. But damn it, I deserve more than I'm getting. I deserve someone who loves me back, who doesn't mind showing love and making me feel warm and secure. I deserve someone who wants to be with me and much as I want to be with them. Yet, I'm too much a wimp to say 'no more', I want what I want. Chances are I'd be without at all and I refuse to be with my single women friends all the time; where they've ended up I don't want to be either!

Why can't I have things the way I want them? Am I dreaming of the ideal that just won't happen? Am I being self-destructive by choosing men that just wont' work? I get so close; men who are so close to my ideal, but no cigar so-to-speak. As much as I enjoy alone-time, I love being with someone who loves me and that I love. Seems so simple.

So, here I am, sitting here alone (not by my choice) for this weekend. I contemplate moving on in search of the ideal. I don't move on because I love the fool for what he does offer up. I don't move on because I'd be only more alone. I don't move on because I do think he loves me, just not as much as he should and could. I don't move on and that makes me feel bad about myself, because I don't make choices that are good for me.

Suggestions?