What's up with me???!! I spend 23 years in a marriage; much longer than I should have because I didn't have the courage or confidence or something to leave. Now, I'm in a 2 year relationship that is satisfying on many levels, but still leaves me wanting more; yet, I stay. Why?
Someone is better than no one? What is it I want? Intimacy. Not just the sex kind, but real person to person intimacy. A relationship of sharing, learning, communicating honestly, building a life together. What I have is a relationship of learning, sharing many things, seeing each other only on weekends, living separate lives, separate homes, separate journeys with just docking points at the end of the week and phone calls in between. Phone calls with lots of words and little emotion.
Not what I was counting on. Perhaps I'm just needy, requiring too much of another person. But damn it, I deserve more than I'm getting. I deserve someone who loves me back, who doesn't mind showing love and making me feel warm and secure. I deserve someone who wants to be with me and much as I want to be with them. Yet, I'm too much a wimp to say 'no more', I want what I want. Chances are I'd be without at all and I refuse to be with my single women friends all the time; where they've ended up I don't want to be either!
Why can't I have things the way I want them? Am I dreaming of the ideal that just won't happen? Am I being self-destructive by choosing men that just wont' work? I get so close; men who are so close to my ideal, but no cigar so-to-speak. As much as I enjoy alone-time, I love being with someone who loves me and that I love. Seems so simple.
So, here I am, sitting here alone (not by my choice) for this weekend. I contemplate moving on in search of the ideal. I don't move on because I love the fool for what he does offer up. I don't move on because I'd be only more alone. I don't move on because I do think he loves me, just not as much as he should and could. I don't move on and that makes me feel bad about myself, because I don't make choices that are good for me.
Suggestions?
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4 comments:
Well, yeah… since I been there/done that myself.
You say (and I quote) "I do think he loves me, not just as much as he should and could."
First relationship red flag— you can't should or could anybody into loving you as you would like to see it play out. Either you accept what he has to offer and be grateful or you ask for more. And if he can't or won't give more, then you decide if you're out of there. But it's always your choice to be resentful or grateful and grateful is way nicer for both of you.
Well maybe there is a God! Where did you come from? And I feel blessed that you did! A voice of reason. Sometimes I forget to be grateful for what I have and have had; instead, I just want more. Lots to think about. Thank you Claire Joy!
And I'll be tuning to your posts regularly. Renee
Claire does have a point however it's a very common thing in relationships for the woman to come into it with a list of changes that she'd like. So your liking this odd fellow but not liking everything about him certainly is normal.
:-p
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